The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.

Todays Joke

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I don't trust these trees

Previous Dates

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I took the shell of my racing snail, thinking it would help him run faster.

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My six-pack is very precious to me.

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I call my toilet "the jim" instead of "the john."

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Teacher (on phone): You say Michael has a cold and can't come to school today? To whom am I speaking?

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My dad banned me from saying "Hell", so I asked: "Have you thought of any alternative names for hell?"

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Did you hear what happened to the Turkey?

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I saw a sign that said 'watch for children'..

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If you’ve heard of Murphy’s law, which is that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, then have you heard of Cole’s law?

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How many apples grow on a tree?

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Did you hear about the fight that broke out at the seafood restaurant?

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My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.

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I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me the first letter to deliver.

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I hate being bipolar,

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Why did the blind lady fall into the well?

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What do you call it when Batman skips church?

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What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?

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Why did Mr Ohm propose to Mrs Ohm?

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The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

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My parents would always feed me alphabet soup when I was younger and they’d insist that I liked it

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What does a panda fry its bamboo in?

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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

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What’s a dogs’ favorite part of a stick?

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Yesterday the doctor told me I was colourblind.

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A skeleton walks into a bar

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What time did the man go to the dentist?

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Why did the orange get stuck up the on the mountain?

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My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, “You weren’t even listening just now, were you?!”

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If you are out in the forest all by yourself and a bear charges you, what should you do?

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A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?". "For drinking." replies the cop.

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I was born in the morning at 7:11

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Today we tried teaching my six month old son how to hold things.