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Doing a good job at work is like wetting your pants in a dark suit.
You get a warm feeling, but no one else notices.
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What kind of candy do you eat on the playground?
Recess Pieces.
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A guy on the street asked me how I kept my hair so nice...
Apparently he was gel-less.
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My wife yelled, “Hey, the sun’s coming out!” So I wore my shorts and flip flops and came downstairs.
Found my son holding hand with his boyfriend.
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My girlfriend got mad at me for being lazy
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