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My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
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What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
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Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
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Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
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My girlfriend got mad at me for being lazy
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