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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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Daughter: Where are the Himalayas?
Father: If you'd clean your room, you'd know where to find things!
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Previous Dates
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My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook...
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
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Although my friend has a lot of hair, he’s paranoid about going bald.
I told him, “It’s all in your head.”
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I'm a catholic
I've been addicted to cats my whole life
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What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
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What is cold and stands under a street lamp?
A frostitute.
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If a chinese man has to pay, what's his name?
Ka Ching
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0
What kind of tool fixes allergies?
A Benadryl
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7
What do you call a dragon with no wings
Draggin
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1
Lying about my age is easier
now that I often forget what it is.
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0
What does a house wear?
Address
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As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
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Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
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My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.
I added some fruit and orange juice—now she’s sangria than ever.
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Can a ninja kill someone with a throwing star?
Shuriken.
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This morning I saw the milkman drinking a sip of milk before leaving it in front of my door.
How dairy?!?!
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I used to work at a calendar factory,
but I got fired for taking a couple days off.
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Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas...
It's big red flag
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When do you know when the moon has had enough to eat?
When it's full.
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How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down
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Why did the autistic students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
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My neighbor told me he only sleeps standing up.
But everyone knows he lies a lot.
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2
Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor.
Period.
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My boss fired me for cracking too many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
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My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
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What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe?
Roberto
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I was talking to a rancher today. I said, “I have 54 sheep. Can you round them up for me?”
“Sure,” he said. “60.”
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What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A spaghetto
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Most vegans are pacifists.
They don't want any beef.
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My cat was just sick on the carpet.
I don't think he's feline well.
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My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
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5
What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
“GRRRAAAIINS!”
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Joke of the Day
Daughter: Where are the Himalayas?
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