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Reporter: How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?
Company owner: It's simple. I have 100 employees, and 99 free parking spaces outside. The other one costs $50 a day.
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Teacher (on phone): You say Michael has a cold and can't come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
Voice: This is my father.
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They'll never win a war on drugs.
It's hard enough to win a war even when you're not on drugs.
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Why was Cinderella such a bad basketball player?
Because her coach was a pumpkin.
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My girlfriend got mad at me for being lazy
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