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Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
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Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
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I have an old calculator that’s missing the minus button.
But on the plus side, it still works.
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What do you call a guy that has no phone?
You don’t. You don’t call him.
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My girlfriend got mad at me for being lazy
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